I live with a Severe Mental Illness (SMI) my particular gift is Bipolar Disorder, I also have Autism, however this isn’t a mental illness, it’s developmental one, Autism amplifies my senses, making noise unbearable.
The first thing you’re told I was told after my Bipolar diagnosis is to avoid stress. When lockdown hit, my phone started to ring, not with concern but with some clients pulling agreed work and therefore money. Whether we like it or not money is one of the greatest stressors. Fortunately, some companies were incredibly supportive which help to ease the burden a little and I will forever be grateful.
The Offspring’s Education
Already stressed, it was then apparent that our middle daughter was going to miss her GCSE’s, a friend that I thought would’ve been supportive was in fact jealous (I’m not often taken by surprise) our youngest was also going to miss out most of year 10.
It’s critical that people understand the importance of education, social mobility relies upon it, for many children from Sandwell never leave, universities are actively encouraged to accept students from our postcodes. Using the POLAR4 map we’re in Quintile 1 which shows the lowest rates of participation, hardly anyone goes to university. The local high school had already failed our daughter, she’s severely dyslexic, after numerous calls and emails they still were not prepared to investigate the issues I had brought to their attention. I was gravely concerned, for Amélie is an extremely able student, very bright with a tenacious work ethic. However, left in their incapable hands how was she going fair, I was correct to be concerned for they retracted all her predicted grades and lowered them all by a least one mark.
I would like to give a mention to the college that she attends King Edward VII in Stourbridge, for within 6 weeks they had diagnosed her dyslexia, implemented adjustments due to her Autism and they’ve provided technology and support. I’m proud and relived to say that she is doing well in her chosen subjects of A-Level Chemistry, Biology and Philosophy and currently getting A*, A and B’s. She’s looking at medical schools and hopeful again. Children are too often written off so early and easily, Ormiston Sandwell Community Academy is not somewhere I would recommend based on our exceedingly difficult and frustrating experience.
I believe a lot of parents have found home-schooling difficult for many reasons, balancing work, having knowledge of something that they haven’t done for many years, lack of money to provide laptops, some have disabilities and there are many adults that are not literate through no fault of their own. The withdrawal of care/schooling for children with SEN was also a major blow for many parents, many have become overwhelmed, being SEN myself, I know how routine is vitally important, I also know that respite for carers is equally important.
Watching our youngest daughter become withdrawn and worried with her anxiety showing more every day is more than upsetting, the feelings inadequacy and helplessness (she’s returned to school today). You can sense the anguish of the unknown, waiting to see how the GCSE’s will be graded, the talk of tests after months of lost school and isolation. Hopefully, the return to school will answer the many questions and put her fears of not making the grades to pursue a career in Psychology at ease.
Work, Work, Work
Needing to continue to work and it having to be from home meant the garden needed work, this involved levelling the ground, because of our location, and spending money we didn’t have spare, equalling more stress. With the garden complete and looking half decent considering the budget and short work time frame, things we’re looking a bit better for continuing with work. The weather improved that’s when it dawned on us that we resided in a place that had no resemblance of a civilised society. Many of our neighbours decided lockdown didn’t apply to them and once the sun came out so did everybody’s portable speakers, along with all their extended families and friends they had become 12 hour a day party people. At first the synchronised opening of beer cans at 11am was rather amusing until it became a daily occurrence along the different and loud music from multiple gardens echoing through your head, it resulted in having to sit indoors with the windows closed and May was hot. We also could film anything, couldn’t camp out, which made working difficult, but at least the garden looked nice.
Why didn’t I just go out and exercise like many others?
The Black Country maybe a place of notoriety, it’s the birthplace of industry, once extremely important. We are now an area of multiple supermarkets and chain food restaurants, it may surprise you learn that within 5 miles of our address we have 12 Aldi, 3 Tesco, 3 Sainsbury’s, 6 Morrisons, 12 Asda, 5 Lidl & 8 Co-Op’s (that doesn’t include Tesco and Sainsbury’s Local), we also have 18 McDonalds within 5 miles.
You can imagine from the number of supermarkets alone, the population is quite dense 328,774 people over an area of 86 km², and Greenspace is sparce. It was refreshing to hear that some Greenspaces have recently been awarded UNESCO geopark status (2020), although they had planned to build on one the UNESCO beauty spots just a few years earlier.
With such a dense population the amount of people heading for available greenspaces was immense, it had also been well documented by the local council and people on social media that people weren’t out exercising. Greenspaces were being used to have parties and family gatherings, they'd taken to cutting down trees and using them for fires and BBQ’s the mess was left behind. Along with amount people, there had been a spate in mountain bikes thefts at knife point, and youths pushing cyclists into the canals. Hardly felt like a safe place, so I was trapped indoors.
Everything was taking its toll, but I was determined to hang on, although my thinking had become jumbled, and I was feeling low. I was very aware that people were dying and that many had it worse than me, with this in mind whilst using all my resolve, mindfulness and just tried to keep busy. Keeping busy resulted in creating a digital magazine, to aid me through this tough time.
Lots of people use the outdoors for their health, for me it aids my stability, it’s therapeutic and calming, as well as a good form of exercise, it results in a better sleep pattern and prevents suicidal thoughts returning. Bipolar Disorder isn’t being a bit sad and then sometimes being happy and spending too much cash on crap you don’t need. It’s a life altering illness, you must constantly beware of your mood, I have gone 2 weeks without sleep, leading to hallucinations which resulted in me trying to throw myself off a balcony because I could see things chasing me. Clinical depression that dark that you don’t speak to anyone or leave your bed for weeks on end, don’t eat, wash, and cry yourself to sleep. The feeling of great despair and sadness, yet a numbness like no other, its painful. Wanting to end the pain so badly, feeling with such certainty that the only escape is death and welcoming it. I have made over 20 attempts on my life since the age of 17. For there is no cure and the medication can make you numb, not the painful numb, it’s a feeling of detachment, like you’re watching your life from above and I can’t live a meaningful life in that type of numb state. Damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
The outdoors isn’t a pick me up, it’s an escape from everything that makes me ill and unstable, it was taken away and I couldn’t cope, I don’t have much family, my Dad and his partner, my husband, and children. I needed solitude, a head that didn’t hear voices, free from noises of the collective. I wasn’t so bothered by the lack of company and missing my family, I know so many have been, and it’s been a silent killer of people, which is so incredibly sad and surely something that could’ve been better executed by the powers that be. Loneliness is ever increasing in today’s society, it needs addressing, with the size of our population loneliness shouldn’t be an issue, it highlights that something is broken in modern day Britain.
Along came the end of June and we were free, I was away pretty much straight away, and my mood improved vastly within a week, I managed to get sleep again under canvas away from people. Those few months were a gift.
The journey to despair
Late September is when I first started to feel severely unstable, sleep had become a real issue having noisy neighbours that start at 6:30am, making catching up on sleep impossible. Now Carl had complained about the service I had received from a Psychologist late last year, having had suggested that because I blog and understand my condition, I should watch some TED Talks videos and a read a book, I’d then be fine. Fortunately, the complaint had now led to telephone conversation with a psychologist I had seen 10 years previous. I was given some diazepam to reset me and some helpful reading on early trauma and Autism being a risk factor for comorbidity and the worsening of core ASD symptoms. We had also discussed amygdala hijack which is also linked with childhood trauma and it leads to being oversensitive to danger.
My sleeping pattern had become irregular, and I was averaging 3 hours of sleep a day, this led to me becoming physically ill, sinus infections, irregular heartbeats, chest infections. I was walking around like something out of the living dead and I couldn’t keep warm. Hallucinations had returned, I was suddenly seeing cats (and not the movie, which would be equally as bad of you believe the reviews), we don’t have cats. Auditory hallucinations, hearing my Nan in my head, her voice, which was at times comforting, she was asking me too many questions and questions I didn’t want to hear.
Along came October and Tier 2 which was soon Tier 3 and by the end of October I had begun to self-harm, a coping mechanism, to prevent attempting suicide, maybe not the best, it’s about perspective. Locked down again, with the dark nights and trapped locally again, the neighbour’s outdoor parties have stopped but other than that the situation is almost identical. Many parties have moved indoors, so the noise in the house is still there and I’m still trapped.
People say we’re all in the same boat, I happened to read this the other day,
“People say we’re in the same boat but we’re not, we’re in the same storm, some have yachts, some have canoes, and some are drowning”
We're Not Create Equal
I have been really concerned about Coronavirus as adversely affected people from the BAME population, one thing to Sandwell’s credit is the diversity of the people, it’s refreshing to live in such a multicultural society. It’s been really distressing to see areas local to us rife with infection and high mortality rates and to hear some of the vile racist rhetoric of people. Many of the areas with high infection rates are densely populated, subjected to overcrowding, lacking in investment, rejuvenation and have few resources, so to hear people saying anything to the contrary is deeply troubling to me. I do despair at the world, the hatred and intolerance shown by some really does play a part in my mental health. The internet for many is now a way of expressing anger, I see the injustice and inequality and it makes me cry, I also the apathy and the lack of empathy and it makes me angry.
Lockdown isn’t the same for everyone, a lot depends on your circumstances, where you live, your financial position, disabilities, and background. You can’t just up and move your life, life isn’t like that, plus if we all move to countryside there won’t be any countryside. Jobs are the same without cleaners you’d soon be in a mess.
Thoughts and the Future
I know that I had self-managed my Bipolar Disorder for over a decade, I hadn’t self -harmed for many years. By January I was actively suicidal, although I hadn’t realised this until I was walking towards the motorway that runs straight through one of the Unesco global geoparks. There’s a bridge above the motorway and although it’s got railings it wouldn’t take much effort to scale it, this is what entered my head whilst approaching the bridge. I was walking along tears rolling down my face but no noise, I just knew that if I jumped, I'd be instantly better off, the suffering would end. I'd finally have some peace and much needed sleep. Then the guilt set in, what would it do to the children and Carl, what kind of effect would it have on the rest their lives. I know only too well how trauma can haunt you, I’m a survivor of child sexual, physical and mental abuse. It’s often only guilt that keeps me here. Guilt for me plays a huge part in my mental health, I feel guilty for having a mental illness, when I get ill I feel guilty for being ill, not looking happy, more guilt. Feeling guilty for being a burden, a bad parent, for not holding it together and for just being me. Such a powerful thing guilt, and something you never get used to living with.
My family have had to watch me start to disappear, listen to me crying for hours uncontrollably and sometimes screaming because I can’t stop the voices in my head. They also have the added worry of whether they’re going to find me dead. The diazepam progressed to sleeping pills and they haven’t worked, and although I’ve asked for medication, I must wait for a Psychiatrist to assess me, for the GP can’t prescribe that type of medication.
I’m still unmedicated and I’m having to rely on charities for help. Which is why I’ve organised a Campout and sponsored cycle of the Great Glen Way (there and back), to raise money for SANE along with cancer research.
We’re allowed out from 12th April it may be too late for many, I know personally I will never be the same again and my road to recovery will be long and difficult. I have survived worse and I have to believe I will survive this.
Sources
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-birmingham-53361073
https://www.healthline.com/health/stress/amygdala-hijack#symptoms
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sandwell
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6061115/
https://www.officeforstudents.org.uk/data-and-analysis/young-participation-by-area/maps-of-participation-in-higher-education/
https://www.ucas.com/corporate/news-and-key-documents/news/students-disadvantaged-backgrounds-more-likely-ever-be-accepted-university-results-day
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3181836/